“Remember, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t all out to get you.”
I’ve been called many things in my day and “conspiracy nut” is one of the most kind 😉 But it wasn’t until I was on a short roadt trip with my daughter, Z, and her little brother, G, that I remembered the first conspiracy I stumbled across. Perhaps I should say, cowspiracy.
It all started when I was just a wee little paranoiac, no more than a couple feet tall. On a trip to the local thrift store for new cloths for my big sis I stumbled across an amazing device. It had a bunch of animal stickers on the front and a giant yellow arrow. You could ask a question, point the arrow at the animal you wanted to answer, pull a string, and then hear the animal answer in it’s own language. Very cool for an inquisitive child from the city who thought the trees in the centre of the main street nearby constituted a forest.
I learned everything I ever needed to know about farm animals from that great second- (or, more likely fifth-) hand toy. It got lost somewhere along the journey of my life, but I still remember everything it taught me: Chickens and birds speak very similar languages; dogs don’t bark, they woof; cats are multilingual and cows say oink.
When I arrived at school a few years later my first teachers tried everything in their power to convince me that cows actually moo, while only pigs oink. They even managed to get me to state as much. But I knew it was a lie. Some may say that my toy was defective. Afterall, the animal stickers were not the original, but rather had been placed somewhat haphazardly by a former owner.
It wasn’t that long after my arguments at school that I saw my first cow in real life. We were driving somewhere and there was a whole herd standing along the side of the road, apparently waiting for a break in the traffic. I rolled down my window, hung out my head, and called out to them in their native language: Oooiiiinnnnnkkkkk!! Their heads turned en masse to follow as we passed, and one of them, clearly their leader, winked. Neither my mother nor my sister believed me, but I knew the truth.
The only mystery remaining behind the cowspiracy is: why? The vast majority of America is in on the conspiracy. Most were probably just duped by their parents and teachers, but someone’s obviously at the top of this thing. Some day I shall find them. Until then, I’ll just keep on oinking the truth.